Asking With Intenton, Key Concepts

What to think about when you request things of others. “Is it ok if I give you a hug?” vs. “How do you feel about a hug?”:

• Imbalance of Power
• Assumption of Consent
• Social Pressure
• Ambiguity
• Assumption of Comfort

Activity 1 No, With Confidence

Discussion Points:

1. Reflect on the challenges of saying “no” in a sex positive play party environment. How might the desire to fit in, avoid confrontation, or uphold the atmosphere impact someone’s ability to decline?
2. Consider the importance of creating an environment where saying “no” is honored and respected without judgment. How can this be achieved while maintaining a positive atmosphere?
3. Discuss the idea that saying “no” is a form of enthusiastic consent to one’s own boundaries and desires. How can participants embrace this perspective while respecting others’ choices?
4. Examine the impact of social pressures and assumptions in the context of expressing consent or decline at a play party.
5. Brainstorm alternative ways to approach asking for consent that acknowledge and respect the autonomy and preferences of the other person.

Activity: Practice and Role-play

1. Saying “No” with Confidence: Take turns role-playing scenarios where one person proposes a potentially uncomfortable activity (e.g., a specific type of touch, engagement in a particular play activity). The other person practices saying “no” in a clear and confident manner that emphasizes their boundaries without apology.
2. Asking Conscientiously: Practice asking for consent using the insights discussed earlier. Choose scenarios that might involve more intimate interactions and use the alternatives to “Is it okay if I give you a hug?” as a starting point.

Negotiating with Queer bodies

• Names and Pronouns
• What do you call your parts?
• Avoid Assumptions
• Advocate for yourself

Zee’s Flowchart of Consent Discourse

Negotiation of a Container, Key Concepts

• Establishing the Foundation
• Defining the Edges (Opt In Negotiation)
• Materials and Tools
• Emotional Safety
• Communication Protocols
• Time and Duration
• Consent Dynamics
• Checking the Integrity

Activity 2: Asking for what you want

Discussion Points:

1. Reflect on the challenges of asking for what you want in such an open environment. Are you asking for what you want or what you think the person wants to hear?
2. Just like asking for a no, are you creating an environment where you can accept both a no, but also a yes?
3. Discuss the idea that asking for your desires is an act of vulnerability and a response of any level of acceptance or rejection is an affirmation that your desires are valid. How can participants embrace this perspective while respecting others’ choices?
4. Examine how we ask for our desires, and think about the constraints of the environment we’re in. Does the short period of time, the loud music, and the play all around us shape not only how we ask, but what we ask for?

Activity: Practice and Role-play

1. Ask and you shall receive; an answer: Take turns role-playing scenarios where one person proposes a fun play party activity in a specific ask similar to the above examples. The other person practices seeking clarifications on that ask, and saying yes to some or all of the requests. Try and go back and forth at least twice honing down the specific ask before switching roles
2. Advanced: If you have time, try having each person create a specific ask, and working together to tie the requests together through negotiation creating a fun scene

The Magic Question: How do you want this scene to make you feel?

Activity 3: The Magic Question

Discussion Points:

1. Reflect on how challenging it is to distill an activity into a sense of feeling. What is the link between the physical and the emotional outcomes you want?
2. Are you prepared to answer follow-ups about your feelings? Is it challenging to articulate some of these feelings and desires?
3. How much more intimate do you feel asking for your desires in this way? Does it create more vulnerability or less?
4. Examine how you respond to your partner’s statement. Do their words and ideas align with your feelings?

Activity: Practice and Role-play

1. Magically desired: Each person should take a turn stating a feeling outcome. If you’re having trouble, use the word bank below to find words that resonate with you. Once one person states how they want to feel, the other person should enquire how they can help elicit those feelings, thoughts, and emotions.
2. Advanced: If you have time, try having each person create a specific statement, and working together to tie the statements together through negotiation finding a joined path to success.